The outcome of my stressfulness is a little bit of a surrealist kind of poem that I happened to have blurted out to my friend a minute ago. It just popped out of my mind! Pop pop pop.
i am just trying to relax
i want to laugh but i cannot laugh
i want to cry but i cannot cry
i want to jump but i cannot jump because i am seated
i want to run but i cannot run because i am not forrest gump
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
I told a friend stories of my rabid fangirlism on pop rock bands when I was younger.
I used to scourge for front row tickets, to follow bands to their hotels an hour prior to their concert. I used to spazz, spazz, spazz and spazz about these bands and their band members. I used to love them and day dreamed they'd love me back. You can only imagine how much of a fangirl I was.
Maybe you have experienced that stage as well.
I think that was nothing but a stage for me.
Now thinking of all the trouble I went to... it tires me.
Musicians I like have come and gone in the country, I don't think I was able to watch a single act. (Except for that free Jabbawockeez-Kris Allen concert courtesy of Lia Reyes -thanks!)
First of all concert tickets are so expensive...
Secondly, I don't think I can go through all the spazzing anymore... the effort of running after your idols to get their autographs, pushing people past you so you can get the dead center front row spot.
I kind of feel old. Physically, emotionally and all.
Plus, I don't think I have an ultimate super duper favorite musician today anymore. (Except for John Mayer of course who is one hell of a wise, talented ass. It's weird. I wouldn't even spazz to see J.Mayer. Maybe I'd just stand and listen.)
I feel that I feel too busy to have an ultimate super duper favorite. All I do today is put my player on shuffle or listen to my latest song downloads.
Maybe, today, all I want to do is... sleep when I can, drink when I can, draw and paint beautiful pictures (find my art style), take photos, take better photos, watch a film, shoot a film, spend time with my lover, spend time with my friends, eat out, eat in, play with my dogs, hit the beaches, go on a trip somewhere far.
Man, I am old really...
I used to scourge for front row tickets, to follow bands to their hotels an hour prior to their concert. I used to spazz, spazz, spazz and spazz about these bands and their band members. I used to love them and day dreamed they'd love me back. You can only imagine how much of a fangirl I was.
Maybe you have experienced that stage as well.
I think that was nothing but a stage for me.
Now thinking of all the trouble I went to... it tires me.
Musicians I like have come and gone in the country, I don't think I was able to watch a single act. (Except for that free Jabbawockeez-Kris Allen concert courtesy of Lia Reyes -thanks!)
First of all concert tickets are so expensive...
Secondly, I don't think I can go through all the spazzing anymore... the effort of running after your idols to get their autographs, pushing people past you so you can get the dead center front row spot.
I kind of feel old. Physically, emotionally and all.
Plus, I don't think I have an ultimate super duper favorite musician today anymore. (Except for John Mayer of course who is one hell of a wise, talented ass. It's weird. I wouldn't even spazz to see J.Mayer. Maybe I'd just stand and listen.)
I feel that I feel too busy to have an ultimate super duper favorite. All I do today is put my player on shuffle or listen to my latest song downloads.
Maybe, today, all I want to do is... sleep when I can, drink when I can, draw and paint beautiful pictures (find my art style), take photos, take better photos, watch a film, shoot a film, spend time with my lover, spend time with my friends, eat out, eat in, play with my dogs, hit the beaches, go on a trip somewhere far.
Man, I am old really...
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Tuesday, March 23, 2010
A poem doesn't say, it unsays
Monday, March 15, 2010
Loneliness is hard to admit
Times like these, all sad songs seem to make sense. Yes, I've had a bad day.
I enter a roomful of people, spot my friends, with seemingly no room for me anymore. I worry whom to have lunch with. I worry whom to go with after my next class. I worry about going with another group of people, thinking about what they could think at the back of their minds about me. (Please pretend you didn't read this.)
It didn't use to be like this. I wasn't used to being like this.
I am thankful for the handful of people who stay. A friend or two, a lover for the third. What makes me feel sad, is that, no matter how they stay and stick around, there are moments that it just do not suffice.
I don't know why, maybe because some don't really feel like sticking around at some moments.
"Please stay." - A famous quote from our recent play for Lit class.
But some people really go away while your back is turned... literally, and figuratively.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Perseverance is a goddamn virtue
Kahit nakakapagod,
kahit mahirap,
kahit nakakaantok,
kahit nakakatamad,
kahit parang ayaw mo na at pakiramdam mo hindi mo na kaya...
May mga bagay na kailangan mo lang talagang
bigyan ng panahon at oras.
May mga bagay na kailangan mo lang talagang
pag tiyagaan.
Sa huli, pag natapos na ang lahat,
isa lang ang masasabi mo: Sarap.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Sorry, Sorry
I'm sorry, sorry for making your lifeMissed listening to this song. Although I cannot exactly relate this song to my week, wala lang feel ko marerelate ko yung chorus. This week has been full of SORRY'S, from me to other people.
I'm sorry, sorry for making your life
I'm sorry, sorry for making your life a living hell
- "Sorry, Sorry" by Rooney
Sorry malalate ako.
Sorry may ginawa akong report.
Sorry may plate akong kailangan tapusin.
Sorry uuwi na ako.
Sorry matutulog na ako.
Sorry di ako nakatawag.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
These sorry's, I didn't want to say them. It's just that sometimes, although you've had your priorities set, you can't avoid to put one on top of another or to disregard some. Extra curricular, academics, my personal life start to clash now. Although I want to be at two places at the same time, I can't. I know I have to concentrate on one thing first, before I move on to the other.
The whole week I slept in the living room, forgetting to eat dinner some nights and disregarding sleep on other nights. I see my mom for less than 4 hours for the day, I only send 2 texts to my boyfriend for the day (one in the morning, one when I get home from school). I fall asleep in jeepneys that I ride in going home late at night. I don't get to go online unless I have to for a homework.
Sorry is not easy to say. Too much of it makes me feel bad. Too much of these sorry's make me feel that I am not good enough. But hopefully it's just all in my mind.
Wish I could still find a way to make it up to every one.
